confessions of an complete and utter individualist

americans are lonely. just google "lonely americans" and see all the articles that come up. but, if you're an american, you probably don't need to google something to know what i'm talking about.

my MBTI personality type says that i'm a theorist, so let me theorize for a bit. (i don't think this will be anything ground-breakingly new, though.)

americans are the loneliest people on the planet because we have everything we could ever need and most things we want. we also live in individual houses usually with our nuclear family. if we have everything we need in our secure little and big houses, then we have no real reason to depend on anyone else. and what if reciprocal dependence on others is the cornerstone for practical relationships in everyday life?

if i have everything i need for everyday life in my house (or could go and buy something if i needed it), then relationships ultimately are optional. i can pick and choose who to relate too, when to break it off, whether i'll go out of my house or invite others in at all...or to put it another way: relationships are ultimately completely disposable and totally under my control.

if this is true then the path to true connections and relationships is not the bar scene or any other "scene" to meet new people, is not facebook, is not watching more movies with friends, is not being on the phone more, but is giving your stuff and money away so that you are forced to rely on others.

but how can americans, who were programmed from birth to give their whole life to the individual pursuit of happiness and wealth break out of this mindset?

when my family arrived at the apartment complex we're living in now, a family that was moving out gave us a toddler riding toy (like a little plastic bike). it was just the right size for our one and a half year old and had a handle to push bike from behind like a stroller. perfect for going on walks! we left the bike on the bike rack unchained only to find that a few days later it was moved to the apartment complex park around the corner. this happened several times and we found out later that some families from another country thought it was part of the apartment park toys.

but it was not there when I needed it. I had planned on using it and several times, I had to go without. this was given to US and, even though it was unused for 23.5 hours a day, I should have access to it when I want it.

i can't tell you the war in my mind with this little bike. should we now claim it and lock it up? put our name on it? what if another kid breaks it? then MY son won't have it anymore. (of course it was given to us in the first place.) but what about the joy that these other kids get from it? what am i teaching my kids if we lock it up now? and if i have such a great war over a free toddler toy, how will i ever be able to release larger things...cell phones, tools, cars, houses?

so my dilemma is this....i know in my heart that the sharing of things is the key to real community and relationships, but i have been programmed since birth to see THINGS as attached to INDIVIDUALS. that little bike is "MINE." i have no category for "OURS" with OURS extending beyond me and my nuclear family.

maybe this is all me? maybe not.

who will set us free from this program, or better, this operating system, that americans have been programmed with? how will we become dependent on others in ways that foster relationship without them being optional.

"never, ever reveal your true identity"

these were words that i recently read on the back of a t-shirt a student was wearing on campus. while this is dynamite advice if you are clark kent, i wonder about the implications if one is an ordinary person.

consider the opposite....

in their book, ascent of a leader, thrall, mcnicol and mcelrath suggest that a main reason leaders fail is that they become isolated. “'When I meet with leaders, I simply assume society has infected them and they have not lived in authentic community and that this reality will eventually hurt them’ We would add to his statement, 'and hurt those who follow them.'”

the way out of isolation is vulnerability. "How do we overcome the isolation that threatens to rob us of our influence? The answer is found in the second rung on the character ladder - choose vulnerability."

let me be honest, as a "professional christian", (that is, i am paid on the assumption that i continue in my christian beliefs,) i am constantly tempted to choose to live out the title of this post. i heard a pastor recently say that he wonders if it is possible to be a pastor and a real christian at the same time. radical words, but i know what he means.

recently i was given the opportunity to share with a group how God has worked in big ways in my life in an area of struggle. i chickened out. why? because i'm a professional christian and professional christians don't have struggles. and if they do, they can only share them with other professional christians :) i know that many others are tempted in the same way.

i don't think this temptation is limited only to paid ministers, but is deeply ingrained in the whole culture of american christianity.

i dream of a christian culture and community that seriously and practically rejects the superhero syndrome. one that regularly chooses vulnerability, rewards those that do and together lives life under the kingship of jesus.

out of the box

i'd love to throw some ideas around about what it would take to create even a semblance of sustainable authentic community. i've been thinking about two very basic things....proximity and a shared life.

proximity - i just wonder if people need to be closer locationally. i feel this to be especially true with small children. driving for 30 minutes in a car is one thing as an adult, but gets FAR more complicated with children. being close to others seems to be a key element in #2 as well.....

a shared life - i can get by without ever connecting to anyone in a week if i don't need anything from people. and that's exactly what i've created in my house....a self-sustainable environment with everything i need. or at least i thought....until the pain of loneliness says that there's something wrong with my system.

i wonder if a way out is to setup life so that i'm forced to share. (i have parents' voices running in my head...."share your toys, luke." "no, i don't want to!" :)

would it work to intentionally get rid of stuff....some tools, baby equipment and clothes, speciality items, etc.? if we knew others in our "community" had them, could we downsize and....share? i'm just brainstorming here. i can imagine all sorts of practical trouble. but if i'm forced to drive 10 minutes to borrow a tool from a friend, at least i've been "forced" to be indebted to another person and maybe i'll even talk to them. :)

what if a community created online lists somehow with things that could be shared with the group? like stuff, skills, gifts, talents, etc. no pressure, no guilt. just invitation to relationship and to living out jesus' teachings together.

what else would need to be in place for real community to foster in our disconnected american culture?